Lately I've been eating all raw foods and I dropped like 3 pounds instantly which is AMAZINGG!!!! All of my food cravings have gone away :)

But of course I'm a fuck up and I b/p'ed twice yesterday because I was going to weigh myself this morning (I usually weigh myself every day but I haven't this week) and the stress was just too much so I binged and purged my stress away and then decided to not even weigh myself this morning. cool zoey. good one.

I'm just so depressed..I think it's situational. It started last year at the end of 10th grade when bulimia really started effecting my brain chemistry..and now I'm just full on depressed, don't care about school/friends/family all I want to do is lay in bed and read for the rest of my life. I used to be such a good student and so social and now I just don't care. School depresses me more than anything..but 4th period I basically want to go to the bathroom and slash my wrists..and I've been close to doing that lately.

Also..I'm going to Florida for spring break, and even though I haven't cut in a good month and a half I have all of these stupid fucking scars all over my hips/tops of thighs/left underarm? haha idk like the wrist to my elbow side of my arm. It's embarrassing..most of the scars are still pink and theyr huge because I'm so fat that my skin is under pressure and tore there (uhhh just a theory lol)

Ahhh sorry this is so random, I'm writing this instead of doing my hair for school, oops. Talk to you later!

the other night i managed to purge 5.6 pounds in about 10 minutes. how sick is that. i guess applesauce, grapefruit, pears, and pizza weight a lot. I wish I could stop the binging and purging cycle it's not helping at all. In face I just purged now and I'm sure I'll weigh more tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, my mom is going to help me do a month of only raw foods. Fruits, vegetables, home made raw dressings, etc. I have a lot of food allergies so this will definitely help keep them under control.

Maybe I'm doing worse than usual (haha that takes some work) because I haven't seen my therapist in about 2 weeks? Idk..fuck this for lack of better words.

What didn't go wrong today? I couldn't purge last night so I was fat(er) this morning, I was late to school, my face is acne central, and I practically had a panic attack at school and I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW so I was so close to just ditching my last three classes...I basically spent my whole lunch (which is always in the library because I'm weird and scared of people (I switched from a tiny private school to a public school this year)) texting my mother and begging and pleading for her to pick me up. At least I get to leave after third period tomorrow and go work out, hehe.

Oh yeah and when i got home I conducted a massive binge and purge yippee! I seriously planned it all out the last two periods of school because I knew my bro had a dentist appointment. I weighed .4 of a pound less than I originally started after I purged.

Ugh I just can't stand to look like this...I'm not used to being fat. Before I got screwed up in 9th grade I was always 135 pounds without thinking about it...then I got up to 152..and spent all of 10th grade puking and starving to get to 130, where I was SUPPOSED to continue to 115, but instead I interpreted summer as an eat-a-thon and now I can't stop..who knows maybe i'll get to 170. Bleh I'm a fag.